To My Future Self

Author's note: I wrote this letter a while ago to remind myself what is important. With all the frustration spilling over from the recent crackdowns and GE13 results, many people have either given up or become disillusioned. This letter has been a source of strength for me all this while. I hope it helps someone out there too.

NOTE: I've included a voice recording of the letter too directly below just in case you're a more auditory type of person. I know I'm probably a tad bit dramatic, but hey, a guy has got to express! Besides it's am in the morning and I'm running on coke now. (The soft drink not the drug la!) Many thanks!

Dear Future Self,

If you are reading this letter then you must be upset, dejected or disillusioned with the cause. Perhaps there has been an incident where you have realised your ideals are well, less than ideal. Or perhaps reality has just given you a giant slap on the face and somehow you do not know what is right or wrong anymore. Or maybe it's one of those moments where you look back, reflect, and think, how can there be any hope? What can man do against such reckless hate?

You will no doubt, go through a period of deep thought, reflection and meditation as you ponder upon the meaning of it all. You will tear yourself apart thinking of a barrage of questions that will assault your conscience. You will cease to know what is right and what is wrong, what is black and what is white, what is dark and what is bright.

You may even contemplate retreating into your shell to recover. You may even think of just resigning and let others do the fighting. You may feel tired, burnt out, and wonder out loud if all your efforts were for nothing. People don't seem to listen, situations don't change fast enough, or your dreams are shattered.

If all this strikes true in your heart, then it is now my duty to remind you why you began caring in the first place. It is my duty to make you remember.

Remember who it is you are fighting for. Remember who it is you started this journey for. You began it with the jeering insults of your schoolbus mates, racism thrown at an innocent child. You began with witnessing the injustice of a disabled girl being made fun of for being different. You began with the heartwrenching sight of that old woman, rummaging through 7-11 garbage bins to fend for a living, abandoned by her children.

"Splash in the Sea" Taken Jan 2012. (C) OKJ. Click for larger image.

You started your awakening with the bedroom conversations of your parents as you pretended you were asleep, where they spoke of the state of our nation, migration and resignation. How you pained to transform the sighs and cries into glimmers of hope.

You began your journey in the streets and trains, where you silently watched Malaysians from all walks of life passing through with busy lives. On the rubbish-strewn reclaimed beaches, gazing upon long forgotten mansions, wondering what it was like in a golden age long past. In the canteen where you used to sit with that policeman's son, and where you always lied and pretended he would ever pay you back for treating him to breakfast, because he could not afford it.

Remember the tears from BERSIH where it was not the tear gas but the realization of a lost freedom that drove you to despair. Remember the sorrow in that Orang Asli man's quivering voice as he confessed to you that sometimes, in between being ignored and being taken for being stupid, he felt life was not worth living. Remember.

The politicans will continue to bicker. The ideologues will continue to spout. Life will go on. But you cannot just "move on". You must move forward.

Can you make a difference? Yes. And no. I don't know. Can you tell what is right and wrong? Again I have no answers.

You are asking all the wrong questions. Instead of asking all this, why do you not also wonder: Am I going to do nothing? Are you going to give up, seriously?

The Gandhis, Mandelas, Martin Luther King Jrs of the world have suffered far more than you. No meaningful change was ever brought about without rejection, dejection, frustration. The night is always darkest before dawn. Remember, remember, never surrender.

Now get off your ass and get to work.

Always with you,
Your naive, idealistic and eternally stubborn younger self.

"Horizons for Hope" Taken Jan 2012. (C) OKJ. Click for larger image.

Alone

"Solitary Confinement", taken at Vienna Zoo, 31 July 2011. Copyright of OKJ. Click to see higher quality image.

Somehow, despite being surrounded by people all the time, I cannot help but feel alone.

It's not that I don't have great friends, I do, good friends who I know will be there for me should I need them. It's not that I'm a loner, far from it, I enjoy the company of people, eating, laughing, singing together.

Perhaps alone is not quite the word for it. 

I've always been a rather odd one out I know. Friends say I'm a 40 year old living in a 20 year old body. Given my old fashioned taste in music, I can't say I blame them, haha! But it is more than that. I can go crazy,  enthusiastic and childlike at times ( ask my younger brother). I can be carefree, funny, and happy-go-lucky when I want to be. 

But I don't think that's quite it either.

Rather, I believe it's because of what I believe my life is about. Friends sometimes call me crazy, obsessed or say that I care too much. My mom freaks out everytime I go to some rally or write some article criticising the government. One of my best friends used to say: "Why do you get so upset? It's not even really affecting you." Another unfortunate love interest felt rather neglected when I seemed to love my country and perhaps not pay as much attention to her. 

But that's just it. I feel "alone" at times because I feel that so very few people understand what it is to have one's life revolve around the prospect of serving a greater cause. To many, politics, socioeconomic issues and the fates of others are very separate from their own conception of self. But to me, it is everything. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been interested in people. Not gossip or the celebrity stuff, but the happiness, the welfare and the livelihood of people. I started blogging because of the gross injustice I felt that was inherent in the Malaysian education system. I study history and economics because I want to learn as much as I can, so that I can broaden my perspective and look upon today's issues with an eye as  to not repeat the terrible past.  Heck, I remember how I used to make my birthday wishes and prayers: "May all people be happy. May the cruel be kind and please help them realize there is a better way for all of us." 

Looking back at my application essays to the US, my whole application rested on sociopolitical concerns. Even my speech competition was based on a speech I made about racism. 

Perhaps that is why I sometimes feel.... not understood. Not misunderstood, no, but just... not understood. I must sound like I'm spewing nonsense now, but it's just that I feel there is this core to me, this core that does not belong to myself but to something bigger than little puny me. 

Maybe one day, when I am going to risk my life or getting arrested, I will find someone who will not say: "Are you mad?" But rather understand that, yes, I am mad, I am mad about the injustice, I am mad about the hypocrisy, I am mad about the hunger, the racism, the corruption, the poverty. 

Maybe one day I will find someone who instead of holding me back, will simply hold my hand and walk with me. 

Until that day, perhaps I will stick to long lonely drives home, listening to my heart beating in the dark.